Some advice needed re: running partners

[Kristi]

I need a little bit of help and you guys are generally full of good advice.

Here's the situation:
I run on Saturday mornings with some really great ladies that I met at my 10k clinic last year. After the clinic finished, we continued to run together each week. 2 of us did the 1/2 in the fall, while the others stayed around the 10k distance. When we did our long runs, the two of us would just keep going after everyone else had finished. Since the fall, I've been keeping up my mileage in anticipation of doing a full in the spring. As a result, my speed has increased significantly compared to my running friends. So we all signed up for the next clinic together - it was advertised as a 1/2 and full clinic together. Well, there are only 3 people in the clinic training for the full. Of the ladies that I usually run with, 2 of us (including me) are doing the full, while all of the others are doing the 1/2.

All that long background so I can actually get to the point of my question - I'm now running quite a bit faster than them, even the one who is training for the full since she has not kept up her mileage since the fall. I don't doubt that she will finish the marathon, but I think that her training is not going to be at the same pace as mine. I'm debating dropping the clinic altogether and just doing it on my own. The problem with this is that it involves basically "breaking up" with my running friends who have been incredibly supportive and encouraging over the past year and who I really appreciate. I hate to do this, but if I stay in the clinic and training with this one friend, then I feel like I'm always going to be really holding back. There is a marathon clinic with the Running Room in Brampton that I can join if I want people to run with (which I think that I do).

Which is more important, finishing a marathon with someone that you have trained with and will encourage you along the way - even if they are holding you back? Or doing it for me? Or should I just get off my "high horse" (to quote my dad) and stop thinking that I'm faster than anyone and just appreciate the support that I have and do what I can to keep it?

I'm not running the marathon for a really fast time so should this one be just to enjoy with friends? Or do I do the best that I can?

So I look to you guys for a bit of advice.

[Irongirl]

hmmm....I went back and forth on my answer here....

Do you only run with them for your long runs? If so, you really can't do them too slow for your first marathon - if your goal is to finish. If you do more than your long runs with them, maybe let them know that you are going to do your shorter runs either alone, or, with other people, as you want to work on your speed.

IF you really don't want to run with them for your long runs, I would join the other clinic and maybe join them once in awhile for a long run, OR, maybe try to stay in touch by e-mail and support each other through the training process?

I've cycled through different running partners - not everyone advances at the same speed/time....

[dgrant]

I can definitely sympathize. The same thing happened with my little running gang last year (we just weren't on the same page in terms of some of us deciding to train aggressively and go for it, some preferring to be a bit more conservative and just enjoy things).

Is there a way you could get together with the other ladies for one of your mid-week aerobic runs, where your pace isn't quite as important?

[Kristi]

Do you only run with them for your long runs? If so, you really can't do them too slow for your first marathon - if your goal is to finish. If you do more than your long runs with them, maybe let them know that you are going to do your shorter runs either alone, or, with other people, as you want to work on your speed.

We only run together for the long runs but when we do run together it's at a pace that it almost too slow for comfort. When I do my long runs on my own, it's at least 30 seconds/km faster than we do together (usually closer to 45 seconds). I already do all of my speedwork on my own so that's not an issue.

[Kristi]

Is there a way you could get together with the other ladies for one of your mid-week aerobic runs, where your pace isn't quite as important?

This is definetely an option if I decide to join the other clinic, or to train on my own. I just really hate hurting people's feelings or letting people down. But is it expected that we would come to a place that we would have to break up our group because of different goals?

[La]

I just really hate hurting people's feelings or letting people down.

Better to let them down now before training has really begun than later on, closer to the race. Bottom line is that you have to do what's right for you - don't apologize for that.

But is it expected that we would come to a place that we would have to break up our group because of different goals?

It depends on what those goals are. Some people have a goal of staying together and that's what they do. Others have a goal of running to their potential. We have both group and individual goals and it's up to you to decide which goal has to take priority. There's nothing wrong with putting your own goals first.

If there's really no way that you can comfortably run at their slower pace, then you're probably best moving along on your own (or hooking up with another group). I also like all of irongirl's suggestions above - it's great advice.

You'll figure it out. Just don't be afraid to give enough importance to your own needs. If you're looking for permission, you have mine - but you really need to give it to yourself.

[garth]

Talk to them about it, and be honest. I would bet they come up with a solution for you or are part of a solution which all can live with..

[HCcD]

Nothing much more to add than those already offered ....

Honesty is usually the best policy ... in particular, when it comes to your marathon training/race goals ... if they are truly your friends and support you, they should not feel any resentment .... especially, if you make the offer to run with them for other run(s) during the week ... i.e. recovery runs, etc .....

As long as your long runs are withing 30-90 seconds of your expected marathon goal pace, if I recall correctly, it should be fine ....

And, like you, I have found that if I run a lot slower than my comfort, I tend to change my gait and stride, etc... which would lead to other issues, down the road ....

Hope all goes well ... andy Peace !!!!

[Jo-Jo]

You have gotten excellent advice here.

Like IronAthlete I've cycled through a few running partners...no hard feelings...just different goals.

I have to admit that the first time this happened I was a little worried about hurting my running partner's feelings (Iwanted to do HalfM and she did not...wanted to stay at 10km) but I felt I had to pursue my dream.

I like La's comment about giving permission to yourself...oh yeah...tell your Dad I don't think you're on a "high horse"....just a runner with some dreams!

[graciousgoat]

The only thing I'd say NOT to do is to stay running with them but to push the pace. I've been the one trying to keep up, and it's not fun. Make plans to meet for brunch after your runs and encourage each other that way!!

[Kristi]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I really appreciate it. I think that I just needed some vaildation that it's okay to want to run for me - instead of really changing my training for someone else.

[MINITEE]

I've been there Kristi, so I understand completely where you are coming from. First of all, my running partners realize that I have become faster than them & we often joked about this when we were doing the 10K clinic together this past fall. I let the comments come from them though, and we kidded about how I was always hanging out back with the slow pokes even though I didn't need to.

The solution that we came up with, was that I always started my Sunday LSD runs with them. I would run the first 10-15 minutes with them while I warmed up. Once I was ready, I'd simply say, "see you at Starbucks/the store" and off I went. Then I'd work my way up to the faster group that I finished with. That way, we still got a bit of our our chit-chats in & I always made sure that I was cheering them on at the end, especially when the distances were getting longer. In the end it worked out well for us, and I hope that you can find a similar solution.

Personally, I'd stick with the clinic, for me it would be way to hard to do on my own still.

Tracy

[RunDiva]

I would do your training 'for you' at the pace you want. You're not on your 'high horse'; you've worked hard, progressed and gotten stronger. How wonderful is that?!
I would think you're friends would encourage you to go on if they knew how you felt.
So, perhaps run with them mid-week, or meet up with them after your long run.
I've been through something similar in that my schedule wasn't the same as my running pals. You will make knew friends to run with, and you can still keep in touch with and run with your original friends.
Enjoy griffk!

[QuickChick]

Yeah, like Dave said, we had the same problem. Our running friends are among our very best friends, and for the most part we all understood after a bit that we were growing apart in pace. We would generally all start out together, and then end up seperating for awhile (and turn on our respective mp3 devices). We'd wait up at the end of the run and do breakfast together. Or, we made more of an effort to get together outside of running for beer or whatever.

Their pride may be a bit hurt, but I'm sure they'll understand. I think meeting up with them for a slower midweek run would be ideal. OR... you could meet up with them for a track workout or a hill session where you're all in the same place and pace doesn't really matter as much.

[pts]

It is kinda funny, I was going to post the same thing, except on the other end of the spectrum. I just found out that my running partner ran her 20k long run at near my 10k race pace last weekend when she ran alone.
As someone who is kinda in the flip end of the situation, I would suggest you tell them your feelings. Trust me, they are probably wondering "am i too slow for her, am i holding her back, how do i let her know it is ok for her to dump me?" (at least that is what i am thinking). In fact, it may be making the runs more stressful for them as well, feeling pressured to keep up. I think the warm-up and meet afterwards idea is great, I may use it myself.

[Kristi]

I think that it actually may work out really well in that one of them has just suggested getting together for a shorter Monday night run, so I think that I will join them for that and either join the RR clinic (which apparently has 30 people, so lots of different choices of paces) or do it on my own.
Thanks again guys!

[barebuns1]

Which is more important, finishing a marathon with someone that you have trained with and will encourage you along the way - even if they are holding you back? Or doing it for me

I think that when running a Marathon you have to run for yourself. It is great running something like the "Run for the Cure" or the Terry Fox" run with a group of friends. But now the Marathon is such an individual effort you should set your own pace and go with that. It might be nice to start out together and than go on your own. I made the mistake of running Ottawa with my other half (Ex). I ran the 1st half with her and than I had to pick it up. I think we were running a 5 hour pace it was killing me inside. I think I just missed the 4 hour mark. It was my slowest marathoner ever, I felt like I cheated myself by not running to my full potential.
So do the run for you, If they are good friends they will realize. I don't know if you have this option but could you do a speed work prior to meeting your group.